February 18th is a day that I will always remember. I spent practically the whole day in full communication with God. Not just a one-way talk, but he was talking strongly back at me. I felt him, I heard him, and I fully trusted him. It was the week that our baby boy was due, and I anticipated that I would feel all kinds of anxiousness and sadness, but like I had written about several posts ago, I had an overwhelming sense of peace. Like a kind of peace that I truly did not understand. I was planning to take a pregnancy test the next morning and was in high hopes just like every month before. On that day I started reading Mark Batterson’s book “The Circle Maker.” I couldn’t put it down for a solid hour while I read the first few chapters, talking about prayer. Praying boldly, specifically, and confidently. It was like God speaking through that book to me telling me to not worry, trust him, and go to him. And I did just that. There were several times throughout reading where I set the book down, looked up, prayed out loud….like very confidently prayed, picked it back up and kept reading. At one point I threw the book down, went into my nursery and started writing a prayer.
Here is that prayer:
“Heavenly Father, I want to praise your name, for the future baby you are going to bless us with! Lord I praise you for the test I am going to take tomorrow morning! It is through you all things are possible. I am drawing circles of prayer around this baby and I pray your will be done. I pray that line is bold, like my faith. Lord you will not forsake us, I know you won’t. You promise that you won’t and I have faith in you! Lord, I pray you keep fear and doubt out of my heart, keep the enemy far away. YOU are all that matters. Lord hear my prayers and hear my cries. Bless me so I can bless others. I ask these things and pray this prayer in your precious son’s name, amen!”
When I tell you, I was in communication all day, I mean I was in communication all day. Constantly praying, constantly trying to be in his presence and feel his remarkable peace. There was something in me that just longed for him throughout that day, to trust him, and feel his love.
A few hours later, I was back in that nursery writing another prayer:
“God please please please hear me! God, I pray you bless us with a baby. Please let this be it! Your will not mine be done. God, we long for this. I long to be a momma. God please hear my cry. Lord I pray so hard this is the time you bless us again. Help me to use my testimony and share your grace and love. God you have pulled me from my sin and from my own selfishness and brought me closer to you. I will raise up this child to have Christ in them. Lord you are the living God and you will never forsake me. God, I pray you hear me. Lord, bless this daughter of yours again with a baby. I will forever be grateful. I love you Lord. I love your son. And it’s in his beautiful name I pray this prayer, amen!”
To be honest, these prayers were not very “thought out.” They were in the moment, vulnerable, scribbled on to scraps of paper and taped up on the wall in a matter of minutes. It’s what I was thinking and what I was yearning for that day and God, without a doubt, heard me. He didn’t just hear me, he answered me.
That next morning, I will never forget, closing my eyes waiting on the results of that pregnancy test. I closed my eyes and prayed. “Lord, I believe you are going to do this. I believe you are going to make this happen. I know you give and take away and believe you are going to make this happen. I trust you.” I just remember telling him how much I believed him, how much I trusted him, and how much I wanted to share his answered prayer. I wanted to share his goodness in my life and in my story.
When I opened my eyes and saw that positive sign on that test, it was like an out of body experience. My tears were uncontrollable. Like completely uncontrollable. I remember being in the bathroom sobbing for a good 10 minutes before picking myself up on the floor. I went directly into that nursery, my knees hit the floor, and I looked up at that wall full of prayers for the little soul that God was already forming inside of me. He heard me. He answered me. I believed in him and he showed me how perfect his timing is and how powerful his handiwork is. My God knows what he is doing, he has had a plan for me all along. He has been molding me and going to work in my heart, and I am forever grateful for his perfect plan. His glory truly does outweigh the sufferings that we go through in this world. His glory and his ways are the only ways I want to be in. No one can tell me it is a “coincidence” that we found out we were expecting the same time our boy was due. It’s not ironic or happen stance….it’s God. Come to my house. Look at my wall. It’s God. The way he has worked in my life in the past year makes me so grateful to be his daughter. And it makes me proud to call him my father. His ways are perfect. His timing is perfect. In the midst of the hard times, he comforted me, he was there, he held me close when I needed it, and he grew my heart greatly in the places I was weak. He is still working on me, always will be, and that’s also what’s so great about him. He never gives up on me.
Now, for those who ask, “Where was Anthony during this cry sesh?” Well, he had already left for work really early that morning. I did not call him immediately…I actually didn’t call him at all. After I finished my hysterical sobbing episode…I went out on the hunt. I took that pee stick, got in my car, and went to go find my husband. What was my plan? I don’t know. Wave the pee stick around in the air, cry, and jump in the air towards him hoping he would catch me. Honestly, that was my plan. However, after an hour of driving up and down Donaldson pike looking for my husband’s work van I knew this was the dumbest idea I ever had…. I couldn’t find him. So back home I went. Turns out, Anthony wasn’t far behind me. He came home early to see me, so I left the test in the bathroom and quickly sat on the bed when I heard him come home. He came upstairs and I told him I had “just taken the test” but didn’t have the guts to look yet. So, he went into the bathroom to inspect. After a good 30 seconds of inspection… “You’re pregnant…..”
“I know! I lied! I went searching for you and couldn’t find you!”
I told him how I had known for hours and all I wanted to do was see him, tell him, and hug him! He was very excited, a bit on the nervous side, which I understood, but we were and still are so thankful and blessed. There is no one I would rather walk side by side with in this life than that man. God has blessed me tremendously with him.
I am elated that I am in the process of growing another sweet little soul to add to our family. I am elated and doing the best at not letting fear, doubt, and worry creep in. He’s in control, not me, and I keep reminding myself about that. I am excited to continue to share about this journey I am on, through the ups and the downs, and I pray this can give hope to any women that may need it. No matter what situation we are in, He’s in control, and there is no better control than the one who created us all.