“I fear Him more than I want to be like Him”

When I learned how to pray to God again, I was seeking answers. I was seeking purpose. I was trying to discern what God wanted me to do in my life. A few weeks after we lost our baby, I started a women’s bible study at our church. It was focused on discerning the voice of God and how the holy spirit speaks to us. Oh, how this study was a saving grace to me! It took me a long while to actually realize what I had gained from it, but God did reveal himself to me eventually. One of the first answers I wrote in this book went like this: “ I feel as though I struggle most with just not knowing his will for my life, in this present moment. I feel like I waste time by waiting, but he tells us to be patient? It’s a confusing line drawn?” I felt like I was learning so much during this study, but I wasn’t hearing much from God, which honestly hurt my feelings. Why was he ignoring me? I’m asking for his will, asking for my purpose, wanting to good things in this life, so why do I feel like he’s being silent towards me???

I think I’m not the only one who’s been in this boat. I think many times we have good intentions, we want to make a difference, but just not sure how? Here is the question- are you ready to be called? Will you say “YES”, to whatever the Lord puts in front of you? I think God isn’t going to waste his words, his precious words, trying to speak to a heart that isn’t postured to obey him. He already knows that we are able through him, but are we willing? At that point in time, I don’t believe I was there yet. I was able because of him, but not truly willing.

I wrote several times throughout this study how “I intend to obey God, I want to obey God, but I think I fear Him more than I want to be like Him.” Looking back at my own words, it pains me to know I felt this way. Yes, we are to fear God but if we live our faith out of fear what kind of faith is that? If we are afraid to truly ask God what his will is for our life because we are worried we won’t be capable of what he hands us….we’re lying to ourselves. God doesn’t call the equipped, he equips the called! He doesn’t want flawless…he wants faithful!

Our God knows when we genuinely want to obey Him, when we want to humble ourselves to be like him, he knows if we have his desires or our own desires in our hearts. He WILL speak to us when we lay our own ambitions at his feet and say “give me your ambitions, put your desires in my heart and I will obey.” When I started to pray again, it was a lot of asking, it was a lot of questions, and it was a lot of confusion at times. I look back and realize how I really truly would seek his will and his answers….but I rarely just sought JESUS. When you truly seek Jesus just out of love, that willing heart that God wants becomes unveiled. It becomes soft, tender, and righteous. I believe God wants to speak to those hearts because not only are they capable through him (like every heart is) but they are also willing. Simply seek Jesus.

“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call me and come pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with ALL your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord…” Jeremiah 29: 11-14

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