“Thank you for allowing me to be pregnant. Thank you for those months I had to be a mom. I am so sad we lost him, but I am thankful for the time we had to dream about our baby. I am thankful for your peace these last 8 weeks. Thank you for your comfort. Thank you for pulling me close to you during this time and not letting me go astray. If this had to happen for me to wake up – I give you the glory. Life is bigger than me and my loss. As painful as it is to write this and to pray this, this life has kept spinning, despite losing our baby. And one thing remains…you. Your love. Your grace, your mercy, your power. I want to be filled with you. Every day. Without you I am empty. I am numb, I’m not worth it. But with you, I’m alive. Stay with me. Hold my hand. I love you.”
I remember, sitting in my rocker writing this prayer. I remember the tears that flowed down my cheeks while writing every word. Eight weeks of pain had led me to this prayer. I was relentlessly attempting to see the “whys” of my situation. Why did this happen? What is God trying to show me? What good can possibly come from heartache? I remember writing this prayer and realizing that I would not be in that rocker, desperate for my heavenly father, without that heartache happening. Before September, I was in rhythm. I had my routine. I had my way of doing things, and I was happy……so I thought.
Did I love God then? Absolutely. Did I need Him? Without a doubt. But my mentality and the way I live life and the way I DEPEND on God pretty much turned upside down in September. My longing for God grew exponentially, I didn’t just need Him…I couldn’t breathe without Him. I began to really see who God is in my OWN understanding. Not just the vision from someone else’s viewpoint. Our God is beautiful. He is powerful, and He is always working for us.