Desperate for God

Last night I mentioned something to my husband that I felt compelled to share. I’m not sure if all of this will make sense but I’ll give it a go.

Sometimes we go through hard seasons in life and for everyone these seasons are different. No matter what the ‘bad’ is that you may go through in that time, when you come out of it, we are always so thankful and so excited to be in that next phase, am I right? Like for us, I was so happy that we were pregnant again and had this chance at starting our family for a second time. I was thrilled to be “on the other side” of the bad. When I saw that positive sign it was like this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and it was like I finally made it. We’re here!

However, although I am writing this post almost half way through this pregnancy, I came to this realization not even a week after I laid eyes on that positive sign on that test. I realized that I would not take away one second of that season of life. There were times it sucked so bad. There were times I felt consumed, handicapped, scared, depressed, alone, weak, and tired. But all of the emotions, all of the anxiety, all of the heartache from losing our first little boy, all of it grew me. All of it caused me to lean on Christ and Him alone. It caused me to open my eyes in this dark world that got a lot darker and it caused me to see TRUE light. This dark season in life pointed me to God and I truly believe I am a better wife and will be a better mother because of it.

I will never forget being in my car one day and I started to talk to God in my mind. Just started thanking him for the day, ya know, pretty typical stuff. Then all of a sudden I started speaking to him my actual feelings out loud. I guess the Holy Spirit decided to chime in and get real with God. I vividly remember this conversation I had with him because it made me realize the prayer that I had prayed so many times about “needing and wanting God more than I need and want a baby” had really imprinted my heart. Sitting in my drivers seat, I threw my hands up and said-

“Don’t leave me now. You can’t leave me now. I need you even more now. Why am I not feeling you as much or seeing you as much, I feel like you’ve given me this huge answered prayer and then went quiet on me! Please, please, please, do not go quiet on me now.” This day took place about a week after I found out I was pregnant and I kid you not, part of me longed for the feelings I had a week prior.

Pause. Let me clarify. Not the feelings of trying to have a baby, I don’t take this blessing for granted for one split second.

Although, those several months of losing our first baby and the journey to get to where we are now were very hard, I started to really FEEL GOD. Like it got to where I daily felt God. I saw him daily, heard him daily, and clearly saw him at work. However, there was probably 3-4 days in that following week after I saw God in all of his glory and power of answering this prayer of ours where he went silent on me. Or should I say, I felt like he went silent on me. It felt harder to hear him, I wasn’t seeing him in the ways I was prior, and I just couldn’t feel him the way I had been on such a consistent basis. It’s hard to describe it. But I think, maybe it was God’s way of showing me in this very season of my life, how when we get a true glimpse of him, we will never want to let go. Even when I am in the good time, I still have to pursue him as hard as ever. It was a powerful thing to hear the words that came out of my mouth that day sitting alone in my car. Because in the midst of that conversation I realized I was pleading for God – to hear him and see him harder than I was when I was pleading for this baby boy he’s so graciously blessed me with. When I prayed myself through to that reality it was a huge comfort to me. I saw God’s glory unfolding that day by hearing my own prayer. His glory IS greater than any of our suffering. And I realized I would never know how to truly be IN NEED of God and be desperate for him if it wasn’t for this past year of trials. I am thankful for the hills but I’m learning to also be oh so thankful for the valleys. The valley is where we grow, where we lean on God in a different way than when we’re going through the good times. I am thankful that I felt desperate for him because it has changed my life and my outlook forever.

During the valley all I wanted to do was get out of it. I wanted him to deliver me from heartache, from that pain. I wanted out, as quick as I could, I wanted out. Days after he pulled me out of that valley, I quickly became thankful for it. I am more confident in Christ, who He is, and who I am in Him, more than I’ve ever been in my life. And I consider that a blessing. In the midst of it, we never understand the “why.” But if we had all the answers, where would faith come into play?

I hope this can encourage anyone who may be in a valley of their own to just seek Him. Don’t try to be in control because he’s already got it. Just keep your eyes focused on the day where has delivered you from that pain and you can look back to see how his glory is greater than the hurt that you feel in the present time. That day will come. So, don’t waste precious time now. Let him wrap you up, trust him, and look forward to that day.

“Writer’s Block.” I think that’s what they call it?

I’ll be honest. I have been waiting…like anxiously waiting to be able to write about being pregnant again. This makes day 5 that I have sat down and tried to write this post. I have had soooooo much to say and all of a sudden, it’s like I can’t form a sentence to save my life. There is one thing I know for sure. Our God knows us. He knows what we need, when we need it. Finding out that I was pregnant again, the week that our boy was due was no coincidence. God knew what I needed. He knew that answered prayer would rock my world, grow my faith, and cause me to undeniably see Him. I am beyond blessed, beyond grateful, and am still just as prayerful for this baby now as I was before I knew God was forming this little blessing inside of me.

I will say, the past few months have not been all rainbows and butterflies, although I try for it to be. My human nature has tried to take over many times. Fear, doubt, worry, all try to sink on quite often. I would be lying if I don’t still hold my breath almost every time I go to the bathroom and let out a sigh of relief when I see nothing concerning. I am almost 15 weeks along and most people say you’re “in the clear” after the first trimester, but I’m one who won’t feel fully “cleared,” till this baby is in my arms snuggled up to me. I can feel the worries, but I never let them over take me. With the help of the Holy Spirit, I’ve been able to keep it mostly at bay and have an amazing sense of peace throughout this pregnancy. I can’t let the worry and doubt overtake me because where does that leave my trust and hope? I choose everyday to focus on putting my hope and trust in Christ because I’m wasting my time and energy in wallowing in my worries. I am in no control here. He is. And for me, that is so comforting.

Instead of racking my brain on all the situations and events and feelings I have that I can write about, I wanted to ask the opinion of those that read this. What do you need? What do you want to know? It can be anything. Maybe this is just the enemy trying to block my brain every time I sit down or maybe this is God trying to tell me to stop talking about what I want to talk about and start asking others what can help them? So here I am, opening the floor up to you. Feel free to comment, shoot me a message, or whateverrrr you wanna do. I have a lot I can share and a lot on my heart but feel like I have 40 different arrows pointing in all different directions. So if you have a specific arrow pointing in a certain direction, let me see it.

“I fear Him more than I want to be like Him”

When I learned how to pray to God again, I was seeking answers. I was seeking purpose. I was trying to discern what God wanted me to do in my life. A few weeks after we lost our baby, I started a women’s bible study at our church. It was focused on discerning the voice of God and how the holy spirit speaks to us. Oh, how this study was a saving grace to me! It took me a long while to actually realize what I had gained from it, but God did reveal himself to me eventually. One of the first answers I wrote in this book went like this: “ I feel as though I struggle most with just not knowing his will for my life, in this present moment. I feel like I waste time by waiting, but he tells us to be patient? It’s a confusing line drawn?” I felt like I was learning so much during this study, but I wasn’t hearing much from God, which honestly hurt my feelings. Why was he ignoring me? I’m asking for his will, asking for my purpose, wanting to good things in this life, so why do I feel like he’s being silent towards me???

I think I’m not the only one who’s been in this boat. I think many times we have good intentions, we want to make a difference, but just not sure how? Here is the question- are you ready to be called? Will you say “YES”, to whatever the Lord puts in front of you? I think God isn’t going to waste his words, his precious words, trying to speak to a heart that isn’t postured to obey him. He already knows that we are able through him, but are we willing? At that point in time, I don’t believe I was there yet. I was able because of him, but not truly willing.

I wrote several times throughout this study how “I intend to obey God, I want to obey God, but I think I fear Him more than I want to be like Him.” Looking back at my own words, it pains me to know I felt this way. Yes, we are to fear God but if we live our faith out of fear what kind of faith is that? If we are afraid to truly ask God what his will is for our life because we are worried we won’t be capable of what he hands us….we’re lying to ourselves. God doesn’t call the equipped, he equips the called! He doesn’t want flawless…he wants faithful!

Our God knows when we genuinely want to obey Him, when we want to humble ourselves to be like him, he knows if we have his desires or our own desires in our hearts. He WILL speak to us when we lay our own ambitions at his feet and say “give me your ambitions, put your desires in my heart and I will obey.” When I started to pray again, it was a lot of asking, it was a lot of questions, and it was a lot of confusion at times. I look back and realize how I really truly would seek his will and his answers….but I rarely just sought JESUS. When you truly seek Jesus just out of love, that willing heart that God wants becomes unveiled. It becomes soft, tender, and righteous. I believe God wants to speak to those hearts because not only are they capable through him (like every heart is) but they are also willing. Simply seek Jesus.

“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call me and come pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with ALL your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord…” Jeremiah 29: 11-14