Last night I mentioned something to my husband that I felt compelled to share. I’m not sure if all of this will make sense but I’ll give it a go.
Sometimes we go through hard seasons in life and for everyone these seasons are different. No matter what the ‘bad’ is that you may go through in that time, when you come out of it, we are always so thankful and so excited to be in that next phase, am I right? Like for us, I was so happy that we were pregnant again and had this chance at starting our family for a second time. I was thrilled to be “on the other side” of the bad. When I saw that positive sign it was like this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and it was like I finally made it. We’re here!
However, although I am writing this post almost half way through this pregnancy, I came to this realization not even a week after I laid eyes on that positive sign on that test. I realized that I would not take away one second of that season of life. There were times it sucked so bad. There were times I felt consumed, handicapped, scared, depressed, alone, weak, and tired. But all of the emotions, all of the anxiety, all of the heartache from losing our first little boy, all of it grew me. All of it caused me to lean on Christ and Him alone. It caused me to open my eyes in this dark world that got a lot darker and it caused me to see TRUE light. This dark season in life pointed me to God and I truly believe I am a better wife and will be a better mother because of it.
I will never forget being in my car one day and I started to talk to God in my mind. Just started thanking him for the day, ya know, pretty typical stuff. Then all of a sudden I started speaking to him my actual feelings out loud. I guess the Holy Spirit decided to chime in and get real with God. I vividly remember this conversation I had with him because it made me realize the prayer that I had prayed so many times about “needing and wanting God more than I need and want a baby” had really imprinted my heart. Sitting in my drivers seat, I threw my hands up and said-
“Don’t leave me now. You can’t leave me now. I need you even more now. Why am I not feeling you as much or seeing you as much, I feel like you’ve given me this huge answered prayer and then went quiet on me! Please, please, please, do not go quiet on me now.” This day took place about a week after I found out I was pregnant and I kid you not, part of me longed for the feelings I had a week prior.
Pause. Let me clarify. Not the feelings of trying to have a baby, I don’t take this blessing for granted for one split second.
Although, those several months of losing our first baby and the journey to get to where we are now were very hard, I started to really FEEL GOD. Like it got to where I daily felt God. I saw him daily, heard him daily, and clearly saw him at work. However, there was probably 3-4 days in that following week after I saw God in all of his glory and power of answering this prayer of ours where he went silent on me. Or should I say, I felt like he went silent on me. It felt harder to hear him, I wasn’t seeing him in the ways I was prior, and I just couldn’t feel him the way I had been on such a consistent basis. It’s hard to describe it. But I think, maybe it was God’s way of showing me in this very season of my life, how when we get a true glimpse of him, we will never want to let go. Even when I am in the good time, I still have to pursue him as hard as ever. It was a powerful thing to hear the words that came out of my mouth that day sitting alone in my car. Because in the midst of that conversation I realized I was pleading for God – to hear him and see him harder than I was when I was pleading for this baby boy he’s so graciously blessed me with. When I prayed myself through to that reality it was a huge comfort to me. I saw God’s glory unfolding that day by hearing my own prayer. His glory IS greater than any of our suffering. And I realized I would never know how to truly be IN NEED of God and be desperate for him if it wasn’t for this past year of trials. I am thankful for the hills but I’m learning to also be oh so thankful for the valleys. The valley is where we grow, where we lean on God in a different way than when we’re going through the good times. I am thankful that I felt desperate for him because it has changed my life and my outlook forever.
During the valley all I wanted to do was get out of it. I wanted him to deliver me from heartache, from that pain. I wanted out, as quick as I could, I wanted out. Days after he pulled me out of that valley, I quickly became thankful for it. I am more confident in Christ, who He is, and who I am in Him, more than I’ve ever been in my life. And I consider that a blessing. In the midst of it, we never understand the “why.” But if we had all the answers, where would faith come into play?
I hope this can encourage anyone who may be in a valley of their own to just seek Him. Don’t try to be in control because he’s already got it. Just keep your eyes focused on the day where has delivered you from that pain and you can look back to see how his glory is greater than the hurt that you feel in the present time. That day will come. So, don’t waste precious time now. Let him wrap you up, trust him, and look forward to that day.