Desperate for God

Last night I mentioned something to my husband that I felt compelled to share. I’m not sure if all of this will make sense but I’ll give it a go.

Sometimes we go through hard seasons in life and for everyone these seasons are different. No matter what the ‘bad’ is that you may go through in that time, when you come out of it, we are always so thankful and so excited to be in that next phase, am I right? Like for us, I was so happy that we were pregnant again and had this chance at starting our family for a second time. I was thrilled to be “on the other side” of the bad. When I saw that positive sign it was like this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and it was like I finally made it. We’re here!

However, although I am writing this post almost half way through this pregnancy, I came to this realization not even a week after I laid eyes on that positive sign on that test. I realized that I would not take away one second of that season of life. There were times it sucked so bad. There were times I felt consumed, handicapped, scared, depressed, alone, weak, and tired. But all of the emotions, all of the anxiety, all of the heartache from losing our first little boy, all of it grew me. All of it caused me to lean on Christ and Him alone. It caused me to open my eyes in this dark world that got a lot darker and it caused me to see TRUE light. This dark season in life pointed me to God and I truly believe I am a better wife and will be a better mother because of it.

I will never forget being in my car one day and I started to talk to God in my mind. Just started thanking him for the day, ya know, pretty typical stuff. Then all of a sudden I started speaking to him my actual feelings out loud. I guess the Holy Spirit decided to chime in and get real with God. I vividly remember this conversation I had with him because it made me realize the prayer that I had prayed so many times about “needing and wanting God more than I need and want a baby” had really imprinted my heart. Sitting in my drivers seat, I threw my hands up and said-

“Don’t leave me now. You can’t leave me now. I need you even more now. Why am I not feeling you as much or seeing you as much, I feel like you’ve given me this huge answered prayer and then went quiet on me! Please, please, please, do not go quiet on me now.” This day took place about a week after I found out I was pregnant and I kid you not, part of me longed for the feelings I had a week prior.

Pause. Let me clarify. Not the feelings of trying to have a baby, I don’t take this blessing for granted for one split second.

Although, those several months of losing our first baby and the journey to get to where we are now were very hard, I started to really FEEL GOD. Like it got to where I daily felt God. I saw him daily, heard him daily, and clearly saw him at work. However, there was probably 3-4 days in that following week after I saw God in all of his glory and power of answering this prayer of ours where he went silent on me. Or should I say, I felt like he went silent on me. It felt harder to hear him, I wasn’t seeing him in the ways I was prior, and I just couldn’t feel him the way I had been on such a consistent basis. It’s hard to describe it. But I think, maybe it was God’s way of showing me in this very season of my life, how when we get a true glimpse of him, we will never want to let go. Even when I am in the good time, I still have to pursue him as hard as ever. It was a powerful thing to hear the words that came out of my mouth that day sitting alone in my car. Because in the midst of that conversation I realized I was pleading for God – to hear him and see him harder than I was when I was pleading for this baby boy he’s so graciously blessed me with. When I prayed myself through to that reality it was a huge comfort to me. I saw God’s glory unfolding that day by hearing my own prayer. His glory IS greater than any of our suffering. And I realized I would never know how to truly be IN NEED of God and be desperate for him if it wasn’t for this past year of trials. I am thankful for the hills but I’m learning to also be oh so thankful for the valleys. The valley is where we grow, where we lean on God in a different way than when we’re going through the good times. I am thankful that I felt desperate for him because it has changed my life and my outlook forever.

During the valley all I wanted to do was get out of it. I wanted him to deliver me from heartache, from that pain. I wanted out, as quick as I could, I wanted out. Days after he pulled me out of that valley, I quickly became thankful for it. I am more confident in Christ, who He is, and who I am in Him, more than I’ve ever been in my life. And I consider that a blessing. In the midst of it, we never understand the “why.” But if we had all the answers, where would faith come into play?

I hope this can encourage anyone who may be in a valley of their own to just seek Him. Don’t try to be in control because he’s already got it. Just keep your eyes focused on the day where has delivered you from that pain and you can look back to see how his glory is greater than the hurt that you feel in the present time. That day will come. So, don’t waste precious time now. Let him wrap you up, trust him, and look forward to that day.

February

I was anxiously awaiting this month and honestly had been dreading it. As our due date approached, I thought it was going to be rough, emotional, hard, just all the feelings. But I kid you not, I entered into the month of February with the most peace. It truly was the peace of God. I remember being at church one Sunday at the beginning of February and as I sat there, I smiled at the little baby boys around me. I remember thinking….”that outfit is so cute.” Then immediately though, “did I just think that? Am I really dry eyed right now?” In that same church service I SANG “Blessed be your name.” I got through the words “you give and take away.” I remember leaning over to Anthony and telling him “I feel good today.” It was a really really cool thing to experience true peace from God and then see happiness stem from that peace.

Does anyone have any prayer requests? I’m sure many of you have heard this question being asked. Have you ever genuinely drawn a blank? Like hmmm I don’t really need any specific prayers, I don’t know anyone who needs any prayers, so you sit in silence and wait….I’m sure we’ve all done this before. I CHALLENGE you….STOP drawing blanks. FIND people that need prayers. At the beginning of the year, I remember feeling so consumed by our issues and feeling consumed with my own fears and doubts and wants, I knew I had to get out of that negative headspace. Get out and find others to pray for. Never be afraid to ask someone….do you have anything that you need me to pray for? Fill your prayers with others names and just watch God go to work ya’ll. It is truly amazing.

As Christians, we should never draw blanks on having people in our minds and in our hearts that need prayers. If we’re drawing blanks, we’re not doing our job! Praying hard for others and seeing God answer those prayer and go to work in other people’s lives can grow your own faith abundantly and trust me it’s such an exciting and awesome thing to be apart of someone else’s story! Prayer is so so so so so powerful. It is our direct line to the Almighty King. I hate the phrase, “all I can do is pray for you,” or “can you at least pray for me?” LIKE WHAT. That is the BEST thing that can be done. Please, never underestimate the power of prayer and the power of that direct line of access to our Lord. USE that direct line ya’ll. Use it day in and day out. We stay connected and attached to our phones alllllllll day long. It’s sad how much time we stay connected through a stupid device. How bout we stay connected to the direct line of access that has our Creator on the other end of it for a fraction of the time we’re on the line that sucks the life out of us. It’s a simple change in habits but it can take a lot of effort. I promise you, you won’t regret the effort you put into it when you see how much better the communication is through the line connected to our Lord.

This point in time became a turn around for me. Not just for my faith but the way that I acted in it. Having uncomfortable conversations were no longer uncomfortable. Trying to speak boldly about God and what He was doing in my life became easier. And the consuming feeling that I thought was drowning me was beginning to let me breath again. Our duty is to reach out into other people’s lives and spread His light, even when ours feels a little dim.

“What do you want me to do for you?”

In Mark 10 verses 46-52 the bible tells the story of Bartimaeus being healed of his blindness. When you first read this story, the focus is always on how Jesus heals him. He walks away a seeing man, healed of his blindness, his sight has been restored, praise to Jesus for this miracle He has done. I couldn’t help but not focus on the miracle in this passage….I focused on Jesus and HIS words. Jesus called Bartimaeus over to Him and do you want to know the first thing he said to him? He says “What do you want me to do for you?” This is Jesus we’re talking about. Jesus knows. Jesus knows and can very well see that this man is blind and he wants his vision restored. Jesus knows the very desires of our heart. Why would he ask him?

The Lord knows that I long for a healthy baby. The Lord knows the ache in my body that consumes me to start our family. He knows. I don’t have to voice it. But I NEED to. I decided months ago to pray hard for our future children. I believe God will provide for us. I believe that he will be faithful to us. And I will pray hard and pray through the fears, the sadness, the anger, the grief, the confusion, I will continue to pray through all of this for a baby.

Just to show you what this looks like – above is a picture of part of my prayer wall. If you take a line and draw it down the middle of the cross….all the prayers on the right side of this picture are for our future family and prayers for a baby. I have yet to let up on praying specifically for that. Along with many other prayers up on that wall and on my other wall (of answered prayers) I believe God has his hand in all of them.

I whole heartedly believe that God wants us to pray boldly. He wants us to ask specifically for the desires of our hearts, he wants us to trust in his power. When we don’t pray specifically for what we want, how will we know that it was an answered prayer from God? We have room to blame it on “coincidence” or room to wonder “why.” When we pray specifically, we know with full assurance that it is God’s work and his answers. I think many times we get scared to pray specific prayers, but why not? Why not pray hard? Why not pray boldly? Why not believe with your whole being that God will provide? We know he can, right? God can do anything. He is the creator of this entire universe! I challenge you to pray like you know he is.

Over the past few months, I’ve realized how much of an impact writing my prayers down have been. Not just prayers concerning me and my family but so many prayers for friends, family, and strangers. I share prayers that are just concerning my situation (due to respect out of others and their private lives) but oh how God has worked through others to grow my faith. Seeing God answer prayers for those around me gives me hope that we will answer the prayers concerning the desires of my life as well. I will never forget, sitting in my rocker one morning, writing a prayer for a sweet friend who was at an appointment to check on her pregnancy. I was praying so hard for a good check up and a good scan because I knew she was feeling anxious about it. I kid you not, during that very prayer, I got a text saying “all is good and baby is healthy!” Right then, my faith grew.

On another occasion I prayed very hard for a friends grandma, who was not doing well at all. She was struggling very hard with the prolonging of her sickness so our prayer became to heal her back to 100% health or if it was God’s will then take her soon and peacefully to take her pain away. The morning I wrote that exact prayer, I received a text that her grandma had just hours to live instead of the months that were expected. The next day, she came into my mind like a jolt. It was like I heard a “check on her now” voice in my head. I texted her at 3:00 that afternoon to check in. At 3:12 I received a text back that said her grandma passed away 10 minutes ago. Right when I read that, I knew the Holy Spirit is what promoted me to reach out at that exact time. Right then, my faith grew.

There have even been several women that I have prayed for to get pregnant and being able to hear the news that God is faithful, has brought me to tears every time. For each text or call that I have gotten with letting me know they are expecting…right then, my faith grows.

This list could go on and on. Truth be told, it could go on at least 34 more times. This is the number of answered ‘specific prayers’ that I have written in just the last 5 months. I have started to go through my prayers and take the ones that God has answered or I can visibly see his hand working in and moving them to a separate wall. By doing this, it has been evident that God is at work when I pray boldly and specifically, his work is actually visible…all right there in front of my face. There is no denying God when you see this. There are no coincidences, there are no chances, there’s no luck, or “just so happens.” There is only God.

So, if Jesus were to call you. He brings you over to him and flat out asks you, “What do you want me to do for you?” Would you not shout at the top of your lungs that you desire your sight? You desire health, another job opportunity, someone to spend your life with, peace, forgiveness, a baby? Whatever it is, He wants you to ask him! He already knows but He wants us to voice it so we can see the undeniable work of the Almighty when He answers! Not just once, continually tell Him what your desires are! Some may ask the question, but what if he doesn’t answer? You’ll never know if you never respond to His question. “What do you want me to do for you?”

11/28/2017
“Lord, I come before you to praise you and to tell you how much I love you. Lord you are so good to us and God I have faith in you. I have faith you are going to bless us with another baby. I pray you help me to be patient and lean on you during this waiting time. God I pray for that future baby. I prat it is healthy and grows to be a child of yours. I pray so hard for this blessing. I truly believe you want Anthony and I to be parents one day and I believe you will bless us with a wonderful little soul. In Jesus name I pray!”

1/18
“Lord, right now I pray for our future family. Thank you for the hope that you give me, the peace, the comfort, Lord fill me with them daily. Lord, I pray if it’s your will we are blessed with a baby soon! This month! I want that so bad, I long for it. Lord I pray you hear me! Please hear me and please answer! I will testify to your answered prayers! Lord I will follow you and love you no matter what. Our hope is in you Lord. I pray this in Christ Jesus name amen!”

11/9/2017
“God, I praise you for the family you have blessed me with. I am so incredibly blessed to have been brought up with my parents and my sisters, in the house we were raised. Thank you Lord. God I thank you for my amazing husband, for his heart and soul. God, I pray for him and I pray you give him wisdom. Shower him with wisdom only from you, so he can lead our family. I pray you keep the enemy far away from his spirit. I pray you make him bold and courageous in the decisions that he makes! Guide, guard, and protect him daily. Lord, I pray his heart to be fueled with your love, your spirit. Speak to him in ways he will receive you and hear you. I pray he sees and knows the true and big picture of this life. I pray you give me wisdom to help him. Help me to be a good example with my actions not just words. Help me to not prod and poke encouragement at him because that is not of Christ. Help me to be Christ like in my actions to help him. Help me to be submissive to him in love, every day. Lord, help me to work hard to help provide for our family. God, I pray for our future children. I pray we raise them to know you and to love you fully. I pray for their hearts and souls and that you keep the enemy from them from start to finish. Intercede every time the enemy gets close to their spirits. We have no room for him here. God YOU are the almighty, you have already won this battle. I pray you help me to keep my family on the victorious side…never veering to the enemy’s side. Hold our hands as the family we are and the family we will be. Never let go of our hands, with you, or with each other. We love you. I love you. Forgive me. In Jesus name!”